THE FAX MACHINE

If I rolled over at 8 am, flipped four hits of acid into my mouth and washed it down with a warm case of Genny Ale Light, the shit I heard throughout my career as I relaxed in my various Officles would still sound fucked up and out of sorts,like watching porn stars break into Shakespearan English right before the 'pipes get fixed' or after the wife 'gets even.' And it's not because I work in a complicated arena of intellectual giants who speak with such rhetoric and vigor that you actually care about what the person is mumbling. I mean,if anything, I think I work in the one profession where it's acceptable and dare I say expected to be a hack. So let's click our heals and go back to a memory, where I heard one of the top three worst statements ever oozed out of a fucking idiot, compounded by the fact that they said it all with that "take me serious because I am important and earned the word 'Executive' in my 'Executive Adminstrative Assistant' title. (NOTE: that title alone warrants a fucking blog)

I asked the following question verbatim. "Hey, what's the number of this fax machine so I can get something faxed here?" (NOTE: I don't know how many faxes you receive a year or how many you even try to send out, but it's a quarter short of a ton for me. So you would assume this question would be pretty 'in and out.')

Not so. I received a response that hit me in both crotch and throat...I was speechless and more then anything, confused.

"You should probably use another fax machine...this one is William's. (name
is fake to protect me).

Instantly I pulled back and shook my head right to left and tripped back three steps like I just heard the Chrystler Sebring was actually created and engineered by a straight man....because that statement COULDN'T have actually been said...not in reality at least. But no, I wasn't dreaming....Your own fax machine! The amount of people who decide 'fuck email' I'm gonna just fax it, is so much that the level of paper intake can not spare one more 8.5 x 11???? What...if you can't get me on my
blackberry, cell, or email just hit me on my fax machine????? Is that even an option to communicate anymore?? It's actually the most annoying way to communicate. Either that or 'Tele-Conferencing' which is more creepy then cool.(Not 'creepy' Haunted House, but 'sit on my lap eventhough I am a grown man 'creepy.' It's about one level above pony express in efficient communicating and you need your own??? How many times have you heard someone stress out because the 'faxes just keep coming through.'???

In and out my chest pushes slowly as to not have a John Cougar Mellencamp meltdown.

I love this job. I thank G-d for everyday I get to work in this field...Huurah.