THE FAX MACHINE
If I rolled over at 8 am, flipped four hits of acid into my mouth and washed it down with a warm case of Genny Ale Light, the shit I heard throughout my career as I relaxed in my various Officles would still sound fucked up and out of sorts,like watching porn stars break into Shakespearan English right before the 'pipes get fixed' or after the wife 'gets even.' And it's not because I work in a complicated arena of intellectual giants who speak with such rhetoric and vigor that you actually care about what the person is mumbling. I mean,if anything, I think I work in the one profession where it's acceptable and dare I say expected to be a hack. So let's click our heals and go back to a memory, where I heard one of the top three worst statements ever oozed out of a fucking idiot, compounded by the fact that they said it all with that "take me serious because I am important and earned the word 'Executive' in my 'Executive Adminstrative Assistant' title. (NOTE: that title alone warrants a fucking blog)
I asked the following question verbatim. "Hey, what's the number of this fax machine so I can get something faxed here?" (NOTE: I don't know how many faxes you receive a year or how many you even try to send out, but it's a quarter short of a ton for me. So you would assume this question would be pretty 'in and out.')
Not so. I received a response that hit me in both crotch and throat...I was speechless and more then anything, confused.
"You should probably use another fax machine...this one is William's. (name
is fake to protect me).
Instantly I pulled back and shook my head right to left and tripped back three steps like I just heard the Chrystler Sebring was actually created and engineered by a straight man....because that statement COULDN'T have actually been said...not in reality at least. But no, I wasn't dreaming....Your own fax machine! The amount of people who decide 'fuck email' I'm gonna just fax it, is so much that the level of paper intake can not spare one more 8.5 x 11???? What...if you can't get me on my
blackberry, cell, or email just hit me on my fax machine????? Is that even an option to communicate anymore?? It's actually the most annoying way to communicate. Either that or 'Tele-Conferencing' which is more creepy then cool.(Not 'creepy' Haunted House, but 'sit on my lap eventhough I am a grown man 'creepy.' It's about one level above pony express in efficient communicating and you need your own??? How many times have you heard someone stress out because the 'faxes just keep coming through.'???
In and out my chest pushes slowly as to not have a John Cougar Mellencamp meltdown.
I love this job. I thank G-d for everyday I get to work in this field...Huurah.
posted by MeSmartNo at 1:28 PM
11 Comments:
Clearly you missed the point, young lad.
The point is that this very important person has his own very important and private fax number so that he won't expose himself to the risk of receiving all your fax crap. And, don't you know, it's an executive priviledge, much like having a company car, or having your Exec Admin Asst (whatever) record your voice message for you. Because you see, as you reach the higher altitudes, suddenly you become very fragile and vulnerable and incapable of placing your own phone calls or recording your own voice mail greetings. AND you need someone sitting outside your door in an officle to protect you from all threats, perceived or real. It's the natural progression of Executive evolution.
No more brainwashing ;) We'll see you Saturday.
4:02 PM
First off....If you can still find a case of Genessee Cream Ale in Orlando, give me a call. Now, onto the issue that actually made you feel like Lennie from the Steinbeck novel 'Of Mice and Men'. The Executive Administrative Assistant has the worst job in the world. They suckup to their superiors, do their shit-work, and have to actually be in the office everyday from 8 - 5 to answer the phone, in the case that it may ring. Personally, I would rather suffocate myself with an uncleanly horse scrotum, but that's just me...They are do-bitches, yet all of them perceive that they have power over anyone that steps near their officle! Their chance to state that you (a worthless peon compared to Sir William of FantasyLand) actually desire to use, and possibly take, 30 seconds of time away from him, is their only time at work to say the word NO! Yeah, that's a run-on with unneeded parens, but it's a rant so who cares...So, I say you ask for a pencil sharpener or maybe a sticky-note and see what the answer is next time! Maybe Williams EAA will come up with another BS answer. And what kind of guy with the name of William doesn't use Bill as his name?? You've gotta love the pillow-biting world...
Oates
11:57 AM
I love it...watching my anger ooze over every thought and word typed in the comments. The fax machine was the conduit, but unleashing bitterness upon those who open their eyes ever morning to the fact that their job can be replaced in the time it takes a fat man to down a filet a fish sandwich by anyone who doesn't drool on themselves is my goal. Priceless.
And in regards to the comment #2. You are a female William waiting to happen...you know you are...you love that you are!!! HA! Till Saturday.
12:02 PM
Now that I’ve had a few days to contemplate the fax machine incident, I realize that it’s much more insidious than one would think. Allowing someone to use your own private fax machine is like having a one-night stand. It could turn out very innocently, and you may never receive another fax to that number. OR, it could turn out horribly wrong, and you could receive the equivalent of fax herpes, whereby you intermittently get bouts of irritating faxes. You can’t undo that. So, you have to protect yourself. You’ll see, too, one day, when you have your own fax machine.
Then again, it could just be a power play. What do I know...
Hope you had fun a Party #2!
11:21 PM
It's an F'ing Fax Machine. The most outdated piece of electronic data transmission on the planet! I believe it goes Latin, Morse Code, Fax machine...Virulent Faxes, Spam Faxes?? Maybe in the 80's if some super nerd cared enough! I'm suddenly seeing little Ricky Schroeder and Alfonso riding the fucking train he had on Silver Spoons! Faxes are on the brink of extinction, and even a freak still addicted to Dr. Who and Battlestar Gallactica has already moved to internet hacking! The FAX sucks...Only the housing industry really needs it, and that is the ONLY reason it is still here! Once elctronic signature verification is standardized, see ya!!! So fuck the EAA, and give her some fromunda from yours truly!
Oates
11:01 AM
Quick Recap:
*Party 2 was lame...but seeing multiple people tinkering on the edge of blackout prior to the 10's was priceless.
*Of course it was a power play....but don't underestimate the power of the 'student-master' rule...there is a lot of boss in every EAA.
*Fax Herpes is the one disease that I find sexy...the way it rolls off the tongue...poetic.
*I actually went to my first 'Tele-Conference" today and outside of the high screatching noise that wouldn't go away until we had to turn off video conferencing and go to the call-in number; it was an ENORMOUS success.
*To steal a quote and make it my own...good guys lose, everyone lies, and love does not conquer all...so the fax machine will live on, and so will the hack who owns it!
Hall
7:39 PM
let me guess. you work in advertising?
4:01 PM
Very good guess, you are indeed an intuitive one. I work in the greatest industry of all in which many people reach for cliches like alcoholics reach for an eye opener. Where 12 bullets would take care of 48 problems. Where people should retire after age 40 or be forced into retirement once they worked in the same place for over 5 years. Where the smell of alcohol on someone's breathe means they've 'been brainstorming' or 'under a lot of pressure.' Where wannabee rockstars go to play.
12:12 PM
This is where we 40+ year-olds burst out laughing at the naivite (sp?) (and dare I say, arrogance?) of the 27-year-old.
Who the hell do you think is marketing to the 40+ year-old consumer? You think your naive, haven't discovered the joy/misery of marriage and parenthood, haven't earned your wings from the school of hard knocks, anti-establishment ass can get into the mind of the 40+year-old? You think you have even the vaguest idea of what motivates that consumer? Ha! I laugh in your face. Double Ha!
Come see me in about 13 years and we'll revisit this little point of view of yours.
And now, regretfully, I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee. And of course, I must throw dog poop on your shoe.
P.S. I KNOW you didn't mean me! And I still think you have potential, no matter what anyone says! :) XXOO
5:05 PM
My ears sting slightly as I must have struck that cord a little bit harder then I thought.
I make fun of retards, use porn similies, and even mention date rape and the comment of 40+ people retiring is what causes backlash??? Christ, I am more naieve then I thought.....
I do believe that you can understand your consumer without being the equal in age or situation..I think that confidence and arrogance are essential, without them, you have no opinion and therefore bring nothing to the table. Hell, even if you are wrong at least you might trigger an opposition that is completely brillant. I think that being anti-establishment in one environment doesn't necessarily make you anti-establishment in general...you may have that view because you yourself see greatness in that place or environment and are frustrated by the waste of talent...I am OBVIOUSLY NAIEVE, if I weren't, i wouldn't have written the above.
Look at that an actual serious entry. Ugh, I feel dirty and uncomfortable. Cock, shit, and fuck all. There we go...much better. And don't get caught up in all that 'potential' propaganda...it's just a nice way of saying he hasn't done anything yet and he's 27.
9:14 PM
Well, at very least you're consistently HILARIOUS! Makes me feel like screaming WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SPRING BREAK '99! and IM JUST GETTING WARMED UP! at the top of my lungs. Then again, I am also a nieve 20something...
10:53 AM
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