"Finding" Myself

In many fields you don’t really stumble upon people who are ‘interesting’ or ‘cool’ but rather ‘creepy’ and ‘boring.’ I have had this pleasure while doing work at such 5 Star shit dumps as the Clerks Office and Pep Boys Part Tires and Service. And while advertising does have an eclectic array of personalities and allows you to work ‘sans’ shower with alcohol still fresh on the tongue I decided to change all that. This will all be altered with my new ‘job transition.’ I needed to find the thing that was missing from my life. Now ‘finding Jesus’ would have been the easy, obvious ‘go to’ choice, but with my upbringing I would have surely failed that background check. After countless years and classes I think I have found the job that will bind body and soul. I have decided to become a detective.

I know what you are thinking..."You lose everything you own including your cell phone, belt, shoes, virginity and underwear, how are you going to find anyone or anything." Easy…practice and training. I will begin by hiding things around my house each week when I am drunk. In the morning when I awake I will take stock of what I am missing, and then 'track' those things down. This would mainly take place on the weekend and will serve as the foundation for my detective skills.

I will also sharpen my mind. I will do this by buying the board game "Guess Who." I will challenge people around the neighborhood until I have beaten them all. In case you don't know, "Guess Who" is a game of wits, skill, and anticipation in which one must deduce who the assailant is through a serious of detailed questions. These range from eye color, to gender, to fashion accessories. An example would be "Is your person wearing red glasses” Opponents Response: "Yes". Then you go in for the kill and the victory. "Is your person Bob?” If you are correct the game is over and you have correctly 'guessed who.' These are just building blocks, to further my development along until I achieve substantial detective skills. I will also start out small, as an entry-level detective. (Detectives with 0-2 years experience). I will specialize in lost puppies and kitties until I get my feet wet and gain the necessarily experience I need to move up.

My clients will consist of children ages 13 and under.... I will receive cookies and jokes as payment, although the experience I gain cannot be measured in rewards. Eventually I will move up to stolen cars and the like. Finally, I will be a full-blown detective, searching for missing children, much like the ones I used to work for. This will give me a competitive edge over other detectives because I will understand the victims since I have experience working close with them. (I will be the complete package). So this is my new plan, I figure I should achieve senior level detective by my 30th birthday as long as everything goes right and I don't 'lose a victim' or 'don't solve a case.' Anyone else have any career aspirations??

BEING QUEENS BOULEVARD

Unfortunately for you, you probably saw the subject line and thought I was going to go into something semi interesting and engrossing (or you were confused as fuck depending on the amount of HBO you watch). This unfortunately is a great accomplishment on my part of misdirection. The following will talk about what it takes outside of acumen and fervor to kick open double doors, beater stretched over with spinner necklace dangling all with a twice glazed look and a puzzling smile which says to the audience of malcontents that you don't need claps, handshakes or even that quick reassuring glance for approval. You are here to be a lunatic and enter a realm outside of any water cooler conversation. You are here because even though you forgot your ID you still got on to the plane using your Steamboat Season Pass, Insurance Card, and rhetoric. You are here screaming like a dusted homeless guy and the red paint from the town is dripping on your hands as you enter your fourth bar. You are here for Simple Man, Chimay White, and the step closer to owning your own glass complete with "JOO" engraving. You are here to add a sprinkle of idiocricy to a once calm and yet seemingly pretentious Sunday Brunch because your drink of choice is much stronger then those who dine off $1.50 Mimosas....and your choice of garb is 'slightly' off. You are here because in your jaded mind there is not a fucking person in eyesight who is immersing themselves in the oyster popping fun that is a Saturday night. You are here because you simply like being here. You might not always be here, this is true. But you will always be Queens Boulevard.