IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THAT I JUST DON'T CARE

Are you kidding me? He called you up past midnight on a Thursday asking you to come pick him up because he was so fuckin drunk that he could barely walk and then had the nerve to call you a nickel whore? Wow, that is so...

who fuckin cares.

As my heart tries to squeeze out just one more tear to the 'tough life' that some of the young successful professionals who live in ideal cities so very much desire, I will have to take a four second inhale/exhale Tantric breath because if I hear one more complaint that rivals the interest of Mannequin Two on the Move(although Kristy Swanson is at minimum an Golden Globe nominee), my head will explode into little tiny pieces of fragmented skull. Yes, I know that was a run on sentence, but grammar nor reason can stand in the way of my totally unprovoked rant on the weak willed that I have come to coin as the 'whaa generation.'

And it's not that I am bitter..I swear. I just think your stories belong on Lifetime or it's big gay sister, WE. After all, your story can slide in right before the program that depicts Johnny Nimble, the highschool jock who was an all star wrestler. You know, the boy with super smarts and exceptional hair and all the abilities that would gurantee such an bright sunny future except for that fact that Johnny is hell belt on believing 'no means yes' and you should be able to 'take what you think you earned and deserved'....not so good Johnny, not so good at all.

Here are a few helpful tips that you and Jeffrey might learn before your next trip to Toys R'Us.

1. Learning to love yourself first is the lamest thing on earth to say. Worse than baiting to that 4 second scene in Doc Hollywood when you see Julie Warner's(my apologizes as I had Andie McDowell at first) breasts. These are the same people who grew up having nightmares of the evil villain in the movie Ricochet..played by John effing Lithgow.
2. Don't put family first...They can fend for themselves.
3. Karma is NOT a scientific fact, so waiting around for someone to 'get theirs' is like watching a PG 13 movie and waiting for the hardcore porn scene...yes I realize Doc Hollywood was PG 13, but I challenge anyone to....nevermind.
4. If you don't like the way you are being treated by someone, GET FUCKING EVEN. If they are a co-worker, simply run a 'smear campaign' which would include ficticious lies which destroys their credibility and respect amongst the everyday office folk. For instance,
"Yeah, Jenny hasn't been the same since she cheated on her husband."
Response: "Jenny has a husband?"
Answer: "Only for like SEVEN years, but they have that whole 'open relationship' going on."

Problem solved...Jenny is done and you are king. Vicious? Mean? Ill-willed?
No sorry, the answer we were looking for was effective...Yes...Effective.

5. If you don't like your job...fuckin quit. And I swear to Christ if I give another answer to what people should do and they respond with "Yeah your right, but.." I'm gonna sack punch um or stick a hanger up their nose, rip out their brains, slash a gash in their back and stuff it with daffodils.

DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for any advice I provide or advise against. My answers to problems are fruitless and nonsensical and I would fuck up the track that LeRon the cracked out skibby, who provides male/female oral to anyone with a 5 bag or a TooJays sandwich, is on.

These problems that I hear are as legitimate as the email I get on a semi regular basis, which makes bold promises such as a 24 hour erection and a real college degree in only 12 weeks.

Care gauge just hit empty.