Bowling 102: Advanced Bowling

The ruby slippers click three times and I find myself back at the equal of heaven. The paramount of perfection….equal to sex AND the Macy’s day Thanksgiving parade…Yes, ladies and gentleman, we were back at the bowling alley.

I arrived at an ever so prompt 6:52, which by all considerations was early. Turns out 3 others got the memo. While most people ‘assume’ you meet at the front of the bowling alley, our meeting place was secured in the deepest dark corner in which nightmares breathe and Megans law is the only law. Where Mildred the ‘not so young or talkative but very effective and efficient’ bartender catered to our every need.

Definition: NEED: ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nd)n.
A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted: crops in need of water; a need for affection.
Something required or wanted; a requisite: “Those of us who led the charge for these women's issues... shared a common vision in the needs of women” (Olympia Snowe).

I have decided to make a bold statement. One which may bring an onslaught of criticism. But if I didn’t feel strongly about it…never mind…I would still say it. I digress. Anyway, I will say that I would rather hang out with a bucket of beer then Danimal (Danimal is part Dan part Animal). Yes, there, I said it. And it’s not because Danimal isn’t cool…okay, so maybe that is the case…but I do not want to ignore the overwhelming ‘cool factor’ that the bucket of beer brings to the table. I mean the ability to please 5 people simultaneously? I’m skilled but that is a whole nother book, or ethnic consideration. The only thing cooler then a bucket of beer, is a bucket of beer ‘sans’ cost. Which brings us to our next point…

Stick to PR! Yes, you know who I am referring too. I believe at one point someone from the Public Relations Department bowled a 38. Retarded children with disabilities bowl at least a 50…the only explanation I have as the snot runs down my face and I try my best to not rub my eyes and avoid pink eye, is that she was trying to score a zero. Now that makes sense…because a zero is nearly impossible just from a probability perspective. Jesus…a 38…I still can’t get over that. I have contacted my doctors and they should be swinging by your house, because everyone with an ability to not shit their pants is interested in the ailment that causes a 21 year old to bowl a 38…CHRIST, that means that when you knocked down 4 pins it was considered ‘above average.’

Anyway. For all those on this email who were not in attendance, I just want to say I hate you.

Now for the rules…these aren’t rules per say but after reading them you should understand

Okay, we need cover off on a very important tidbit of information. A surefire way to NOT get laid is to bring your own bowling ball to the alley. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have MANY other surefire ways to avoid that practice. But you are really not leaving anything to chance when you bring your own bowling ball. I am pretty sure Mildred would soon get double downed on before someone walked into that bowling alley with their own ball and a girl turned with the ‘I want to eat him up’ reaction.

Getting my back and helping me out is buying me a drink. It’s giving me a ride. It’s taking me out to lunch. It is NOT, stealing my shoes with my car keys in them. I applaud the effort and the commitment to my well being, however, if my shoes are still at the bowling alley that means I AM STILL at the bowling alley. Not mentioning any specific names but going downtown in Rainbow sandals fit for a 7 year old is not my idea a ‘knee slappin good time.’ And putting Rainbow sandals in your back pocket, unbeknownst to many, is not comfortable. OH, and you haven’t stared fear in the eye until you woke up delirious, turned to your clock and realized that you don’t have your car.

The only thing worse then a BBQ is a nighttime BBQ…what kind of party planner does that?? Retarded.

As stated in “Bowling 101” (Found below) Bowlers Thumb continues to be a serious injury…please be cautious at the first sign of initial symptoms.

In regards to Apres Bowling: Yaeger Bombs is a bad idea. Never once have I woken up and said “I don’t know what it was. We just started taking Yaeger bombs and everything just went smooth and in control. What a great memory I have of that conversation we had where we discussed very important issues.”

Finally, bowling is at a minimum equal to a very good parade. And a good parade is HARD to find.

You set um up, I’ll knock um down.